Sixteen months later, I have repeated the pattern yet again, albeit with a slightly different flavor. After two years of fighting against the injustice, the members of the organization succeeded in electing some new board members, enough to change the majority stance. There is chaos and upheaval, and I have thrown myself into a supporting role, again overworking, trying to be valuable and see myself as “special.”
There is a wonderful quote from Pathwork® Guide Lecture #250, The Birthing Process – Cosmic Pulse, that fits here:
The deeper level brings new material to the fore that could not have been handled before, and it may also bring a feeling of hopelessness about self-purification. ‘Will it never end?’ I want to warn you about this feeling and tell you that it is a good sign of deep progress.
For this time through the pattern has brought new awareness of deeper attachments to the pattern. There is a pleasure that keeps me in the pattern. In supporting the organization, I had to learn new things in order to give that support. There is intense pleasure for me as I master a new skill, although being “self-taught” can be frustrating at first. As I learned how to read and program in HTML (my latest challenge), I could feel my self-confidence growing as well as feel the sheer pleasure of learning. For those who know about the Myers-Briggs Types, I am an INTJ–and we are people who live for the pleasure of learning new skills. We don’t care if we ever use them again because the pleasure is in the mastering of the skills.
How does that connect to the childhood situation? I remember that my greatest frustration in trying to stop my father’s actions was in not being able to refute his “logic.” It was beyond the capabilities of a 7-year-old. And learning and thinking became terribly important to me after that. I wanted to be able to “outsmart” the perpetrator.
There is a very real thirst for more knowledge, more skill, and a deep, abiding satisfaction in learning more. That is my higher self: The divine quality of my Pathwork personality type (reason) is wisdom, so that makes sense. The distortions come from the mask, which wants to be sure people see and appreciate the new skills, which gives a distorted kind of ego pleasure. The lower self wants to use my unique set of skills to manipulate people to give me what I want.
And so the pattern is still around, and I have repeated it yet again. But, as the Guide says, “it is a good sign of deep progress.” I have discovered the re-creation sooner and am stepping back from it more quickly and with less emotional reaction. Progress indeed!
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